


where have you been // do you know if you're coming back

by unforgvnsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelic Grace, Breaking News: I Still Fucking Suck At Tags But At Least The Fic Is Getting Posted, Cage Trauma, Episode: s13e17 The Thing, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Castiel, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Scared Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 01:53:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unforgvnsam/pseuds/unforgvnsam
Summary: Sam misses being able to lay down in bed and actually sleep like a normal human. Much less a normal amount. It’s like he can’t do it anymore. Just doesn’t work. It’s either less than an hour or he can’t get out of bed for twelve hours. He misses being normal. But that’s like missing something you’ve never had. Something you’ve never been.Dean's gone in Apocalypse World and Sam is scared he'll never see him again. He feels helpless, doesn't know what to do with Gabriel or with the knowledge that Lucifer is doing G-d knows what. Castiel is a sweetheart who cares about Sam's trauma though.





	where have you been // do you know if you're coming back

**Author's Note:**

> where have you been?  
> do you know when you're coming back?  
> where have you been?  
> do you know if you're coming back?  
> —reflections, the neighbourhood

Sam misses being able to lay down in bed and actually sleep like a normal human. Much less a normal amount. It’s like he can’t do it anymore. Just doesn’t work. It’s either less than an hour or he can’t get out of bed for twelve hours. He misses  _being normal_. But that’s like missing something you’ve never had. Something you’ve never been.

Now he’s trying to shake off his exhaustion after falling asleep for a few minutes on top of his books and laptop in the library. His head hurts and he doesn’t even need to be here. Doesn’t know why he is. Probably just a force of habit at this point.

Castiel and Gabriel are sitting in the war room, and Sam hopes they didn’t notice him dozing off. Gabriel is still barely speaking, but he’s actually said a few words now that Castiel is here. Cas is doing most of the talking. They probably have a lot of that to do.

He doesn’t want to and won’t interrupt them, but Sam wishes he could join them, distract himself from the thoughts clawing around in his brain. It almost  _hurts_  to think, but he can’t stop.

It’s stupid but Ketch’s “Dibs on the top bunk?” is haunting him. It’s bringing back old, persistent ghosts like “Bunk buddy” and “Hey, roomie... Upper bunk? Lower bunk? Or you wanna share?” He feels disgusting and dirty and overwhelmingly  _terrified_.

With everything that’s been happening, he hasn’t had very much time to think about the fact that Lucifer is back in this world, doing G-d knows what. Or maybe G-d doesn’t know either.  _He_  hasn’t been around in a while.

It’s better than Lucifer being in a world with Dean and Mary and Jack though, right?

“Sam?” Someone’s hand is on his shoulder and his head snaps up in panic, his anxious brain making the voice sound taunting and the hand feel like ice. “Sam. Sam. It’s alright. It’s just me.”

Sam lets out an involuntary shudder and a shaky breath before nodding without looking at Castiel.

“Are you alright, Sam?”

“Um, yeah. Just a little worried about Dean.” He knows better than to lie directly to Cas, because he knows the chance of getting away with it is even smaller if he does. “I’ll be fine. He’ll be back in less than a day.” That’s what he’s telling himself anyway.

Sam still hasn’t looked at Cas but he can physically feel the way Castiel keeps staring down at him without saying anything, his hand still on Sam’s shoulder, warm and comforting, not cold and cruel. After a few long moments, he opens his mouth, his voice soft, “I could feel your panic and fear from across the room, Sam.”

Sam finally glances over his shoulder, his eyes meeting Castiel’s for a second, before dropping down to his tie to avoid the sympathetic look in the lines on his face. He’s not sure what to say so he says the most automatic thing he knows. “Sorry.”

Castiel’s face falls and he sighs quietly. “You don’t need to apologize, Sam.” His hand drops from Sam’s shoulder and this time he feels more panicked because of the  _loss_  of contact. Cas, who was about to turn away and go back to his brother, notices immediately and stops. “Are you sure you’ll be fine?” He doesn’t wait for Sam to answer because they both know that he really won’t be and the answer is gonna be a lie anyway. “You should try to get some rest, Sam. Just for a little while.”

Sam thought he was going to resist, but his head is nodding and he’s standing up. He keeps falling asleep with his arms as a pillow here anyway, and it’s not like he’s being useful or helpful. “Thanks, Cas.”

Cas nods. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Sam lays down on the bed on his side, fingers clutching the pillow but he knows he won’t be able to sleep. He feels vulnerable right now, especially after how caring and gentle Cas was. And it’s not like his thoughts are gonna shut up enough to let him actually stay asleep.

Thinking about his mom and Jack in the apocalypse world has already been bad enough. It’s been awful. But now  _Dean’s_  there too and Sam’s not. Sam’s here with Cas and Gabe and he isn’t doing anything useful. Dean is alon—

No. He’s with Ketch.

That’s what he told Cas. That’s what he’s been telling himself. But Cas very obviously doubts in the security of the thought. Sam doubts it. If Gabriel was more informed on everything and more coherent, he’d doubt it too.

G-d, why did he let Dean go there without him?

* * *

 He can feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and he doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to feel even more vulnerable. But it’s all too much. Knowing that his family and a  _child_  that he was supposed to  _protect_  are gone and unreachable. Knowing that Gabriel, the angel who tortured him for  _so long_  by taking his brother away, is alive and here in the bunker. Knowing that Lucifer is in this world somewhere too.

But really. It’s the not knowing that makes the first tear drip down and over his nose, trailing down his cheek. Not knowing if he’ll ever see his brother again. Not knowing what Gabriel is thinking, whether he’s apologetic or gives a shit at all. Not knowing what exactly Lucifer is up to or what to do about him.

He sobs into his pillow, the fabric muffling the already choked sound.

“Bunk buddy” crawls back to the forefront of his thoughts, and just thinking about it makes his blood feel ice cold in his veins. He wants to pull the blanket out from under him for sake of warmth, but he feels so emotionally exhausted that he can’t bring himself to do anything but roll onto his stomach and cry.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been laying there but he hears a knock on the door and Castiel’s concerned voice asking “Sam?”

Sam tells himself to reply and to get up and wipe away the tears, to make himself more presentable before opening the door, but instead he doesn’t do anything at all.

“Sam, are you alright?”

_No_. Not at all.

When Sam still doesn’t respond in any way whatsoever, the door swings open and Sam wants to kick himself for not locking it. He doesn’t kick himself, but his panicked embarrassment for letting Castiel see him like this propels him into an upright position, his legs hanging over the side of the bed. He scrubs at his eyes quickly with the edge of his sleeve and forces himself to meet Castiel’s gaze. The look in his eyes is so sad and concerned that Sam has to look away, but it’s already too much right now. He can feel a tear leak out of the far corner of his eye and he doesn’t wipe it away because he’s scared that’ll just draw more attention to it.

Castiel notices anyway and the sadness and concern spreads to the rest of his face. He sits down next to Sam and places his hand on Sam’s back. Sam looks away completely, staring at the wall above the bed, but he knows he won’t be able to keep himself together for much longer because the tears are literally burning and just waiting to burst out.

Cas obviously isn’t sure what he should really do so he starts talking. “I apologize if what I said about Dean being in Apocalypse World with only Ketch made you feel worse.”

Sam shakes his head quickly, still glaring at the wall. “It’s okay, Cas… But what if—” He wants to say more but he can’t choke any more words out.

Castiel seems to understand though because his hand moves higher, consolingly brushing against Sam’s neck under his hair. Sam wants to lean into the warmth and comfort of his touch, but he already feels bad for being such a mess in front of Castiel. In front of this  _angel_. “If anything happens, that’s why you  _stayed_  here, Sam. You told me yourself. This way you can go get him if need be.”

“I know… I  _know_. I’m just…” Sam’s voice cracks and he falters. Castiel scoots a little closer, and Sam has to resist the urge again to do the same. All he does is finally look back at Castiel. He almost regrets it because he’s staring up at Sam with genuine interest in Sam’s thoughts and fears. He has a lot less faith in angels and G-d than he used to, but Castiel almost seems holier than the rest of them sometimes. Holier than Sam at any rate, and he doesn’t need to hear any of this, but Sam is rambling now. “I’m scared, Castiel. I’m scared he won’t be okay. I’m scared he won’t make it back. I’m scar—” His voice is wavering again and he sounds teary even to his own ears. “It’s not just Dean being there. It’s… it’s everything.  _Mom_ … an-and  _Jack_. They’re over there too. What if they all get stuck there?” He’s breaking down completely now, and there’s another tear trailing down his cheek, even more clearly visible. “And then there’s Gabriel, being here in the Bunker.”

He wants to look away in shame but Castiel’s stare is so intense that he can’t. “I’m sorry, Sam. I… I’m worried about them too. Gabriel, he… I’m not really sure either…” He sighs but his fingers are still touching his neck, and  _fuck_. Sam is thankful they’re so warm, because it’s helping him ignore the…  _other_  thoughts that refuse to let him calm down. “Is there something else, Sam? I can sense something that’s not just scaring you but…  _terrifying_  you.” Sam starts slightly, not expecting him to ask. “You don’t have to say, but…”

Castiel doesn’t finish his sentence but he’s very obviously giving Sam the chance to talk about it.

He wants to but he also doesn’t. Also  _can’t_. So all he says is “Lucifer.” He leans his elbows against his knees and covers his face with his hands, his hair hiding the wetness on his nose and jaw. His head is still aching and he feels bad for ranting to Cas, but he feels remotely more relieved now that he’s said it out loud.

Cas stands up and Sam thinks that he finally realized how fucked up Sam is and that he’s leaving, and Sam tries to ignore how shitty that makes him feel, because it’s not like he’s surprised. But no. Castiel is standing in front of him. He’s touching Sam’s damp chin. Making him look up at him. Pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Your head is hurting, isn’t it?” Sam nods slightly in confusion. “I want to help ease your anxiety and worry, but all I can do is ease your pain, if you want me to.”

“I… th-thanks.” His breath catches in his throat, but he refuses to cry  _again_.

Castiel touches his temple with the hand not holding the side of his face and Sam can feel the familiar sensation of warm  ~~not cold~~  grace flowing into his veins and the hard edge of his headache disappears completely.

“Thank you, Castiel.” Sam’s voice comes out in a whisper but Cas is close enough to hear him and he smiles slightly.

“Of course, Sam.”

**Author's Note:**

> it's finally done ayyyy (im on Tumblr [@unforgvnsam](http://unforgvnsam.tumblr.com))  
> thanks for betaing, [Eru](http://eruthiawenluin.tumblr.com). love ya, sug.   
> kudos and *gasp* c o m m e n t s fucking appreciated xoxo


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